Social Skills

 

Declan, Tova and I are lying on the bed in the small guest room.  They have opted again to sleep in the queen size bed together instead of sleeping in their own, new, huge bedrooms that Brendan and I fought so hard to provide for them.  Since moving from our apartment in New York City they have not quite gotten used to sleeping apart.  We are lying on our stomachs, three in a row, our feet bouncing up and down against the mattress.  Declan can hardly contain his excitement over the fact that we are all reading his favorite book together, The Social Skills Picture Book: Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism. Though I bought the book to help me to teach him to respond to different social situations, once he got his hands on it, he never let go.  He carries it around the house under his arm, like a college student between classes. It has become his transitional object, his equivalent to Tova’s worn Face Bunny.  Finally, he must think, someone put all of the rules in one place. 

 All of the lights in the tiny room are off except for a small lamp on the floor.  Declan carefully turns the next page like a teacher reading to the class and reads the title of the section.  “Interrupting II: Help with a Zipper.”  He turns to us and says with a knowing nod, his thick head of brown hair tousled every which way, “Oh, this is a good one.”  Oh my god.  This boy.  These moments.  They are reductions of pure innocence.  They are unbearably charming, and mostly lost to people who don’t know him.  How can it not be a great thing to read about how to interrupt someone in order to get help with a zipper?  This is great stuff! A page-turner.  The suspense is killing us.

 Tova and I nod in agreement, all the while holding our breath and hiding our smiles.  We share looks that say, I can’t wait to laugh about this with you later!  He mercifully decides that he needs a drink of water and leaves the room.  Tova and I burst into laughter and tears roll down our cheeks as we repeat the line over and over like we cannot believe he came up with something so funny.  For a moment I feel guilty for laughing, but it is like opening the steam valve for a much-needed release.  And really, we often marvel at how Declan can stoke our empathy and tickle our funny bones at the same time.  Declan returns and asks us what we are laughing about.  As we wipe away the tears and work fast to think of an appropriate answer, Declan comes up with one of his own.  “I know what is so funny.  You heard me fart in the hallway!” Accepting his response, we read on about interrupting to ask peers for a toy, how to greet people, and listening during a conversation.  When it is time to turn out the lights, I pull the covers up to their chins and give each a kiss.  Tova whispers “oh, this is a good one” to me, and Declan rolls over hugging his book and closes his eyes. I catalogue the moment for a smile when I need it. 

Comments

[Kristen]

Jen, this is beyond lovely. Your compassion, your hilarious and yet so so touching connection with both children, in such separate and yet connected ways... it brings tears to my eyes. I remember these children from a lifetime ago! I will not pretend to understand fully Declan's experiences, but I will be thrilled to read this blog and learn. Well done, you (as they say in England!)...

[ali]

Hi Jen, Rachel forwarded this link and I have been catching up with your stories for about a week now. I am so impressed that you are making the time to write this all down...I also just wanted to let you know that I ordered the book you mentioned for school! Even though I am the OT, I find that a lot of really basic social issues come up when I work with small groups, so I always want to take advantage of those times in order to model/teach social skills - can't wait to get it ! I also learned recently about your day job (from Rachel, again :) and I hope that it is going well. You always were an amazing staff developer - any of those teachers would be lucky to have you. Best, Ali (from 89)

[Tova]

I was even there and I still find it absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!
I love the way you word this and you are SUCH an amazing writer.
Keep going :)

Your daughter (and not 40-year-old shopping mom),
Tova <3